I’m a mess…

…and its mostly my fault. I just have so much that needs to be done that I just freeze and don’t do anything because my brain can’t function normally.

First problem – Driving

It is just so fucking stressful. I’m finally getting the hang of the pedals and it’s coming more naturally but I just feel this terror whenever I move the car that makes the whole ordeal really shit. I know I want to be able to drive and I want the freedom that comes with it but I can barely deal with the high levels of anxiety that come with it. I think I just hate the responsibility of it. Not only is it such a significant step as part of becoming an adult but the sheer pressure of being responsible for the people in and around the car is nearly overwhelming. I honestly don’t know how people do it, daily, and still be completely at ease behind the wheel. It completely baffles me.

Second problem – workload

I have so much shit to do and plenty of time to do it. Just not the motivation to.  I know I sound and feel lazy but I just can’t get my brain or body to comply. And now it sounds like I’m trying to make a shitty excuse and yeah, I probably am. Even now, I have some coursework for photography to finish and yet here I am, typing this and internally screaming. I have left it to the last-minute to complete and I do this to myself every fucking time but I never change. I think I have actually become a living example of insanity; I repeat the same behaviour but expect different results.

Third problem Anxiety as a whole

It just sucks. And it’s actually starting to interfere with my life. Recently, I feel like I’ve been on high alert constantly and it is very emotionally and physically draining. I am literally stumbling through my own life and I just wish everything would stop happening so I could just breathe for a minute because, at the moment, I am barely keeping up. And on top of the actual feelings of fear, feelings of guilt have started to accompany it. It’s making me so selfish and oblivious to others and I hate it. I had made some plans with my mum to go and see a local performance but I was just so anxious at the time that I couldn’t bring myself to leave the house so I bailed at the last-minute. And THEN, I felt really crappy for leaving her to go by herself so it basically just added to this feeling of despair.

I am trying so hard to be like the people I read about in books. I want to be known for how strong and brave I am and, like all good characters, go against all odds and be resilient and determined until the end.. but this idea of the perfect person is probably unhealthy to compare myself to and I am just so tired of feeling like I’m not good enough. I’m not even sure why I feel like I’m not good enough and have to pretend to be someone else in order to be a better person because my parents are so supportive and I’m surrounded by people who love me. but sometimes I feel like, as cheesy as it sounds, no-one knows what the real me is like. I don’t think I even know. I know I sound like a classic misunderstood teen but sometimes it’s how I feel so maybe I am a classic cliché of a person. Who knows?

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What is wrong with people!?!

Why do people constantly feel the need to make others feel bad about themselves? It is so messed up, I no longer have the energy to critisise people. Especially when it comes to sexism.

As I’ve gottten older, I have come to realise how much of life is dictated by stereotypes, for example, someone asking a father permission to marry his daughter. I have never really considered it as more than a tradition and a sign of respect but if  you think about it, it just stems from a time when a woman was considered property of her father and so permission was needed for the woman to become property of her husband! How fucked up is that?

And don’t even get me started about stereotypes and sex. This is an actual converstion I had with a guy friend of mine…

Tyler: So, you got any guys on the scene?

Me: Yeah one guy but its just a bit of fun, nothing serious.

Tyler: Can I see a picture?

*shows a picture of Isaac*

Tyler: He looks like such a fuckboy! You do know he’s probably talking to lots of other girls right?

Me: Yeah probably but I dont mind. Like I said, its not serious

Tyler: Wow, you sound a bit desperate

Me: What the fuck does that mean?

Tyler: You know this ‘relationship’ can’t go anywhere except maybe to sleep with him and yet you are still talking to him

Me: Why is that desperate?!? Why can’t I want to talk to people just for sex too?

*silence*

Me: why am I considered ‘desperate’ and he is ‘just being a fuckboy’?

Tyler: Because he’s a guy

 

I know it might sound a little dramatic but I really fucking hate double standards! Heaven forbid a girl not wanting a relationship! But I do realise it works both ways and guys are often subjected to their own prejudices that can be just as unfair and degrading.

I realise this kind of turned into a feminist rant which wasnt the poin tof this post. The point is that.. people suck! The world is full of narrow-minded idiots that feel the need to discriminate and hate on other people just because they are either fed up with their owns lives or hold different beliefs. It’s just unecessary.

So…sex

Why is it such a taboo? Why should you be frowned upon for doing it under circumstances that others don’t agree with?

I have grown in a christian household and my parents, although incredibly supportive in general, have different views on certain subjects that I no longer agree with. Now, I in no way think that others having a different view point is a bad thing however I think it can become bad when you shame people for not sharing the same views. I have never had sex before and I know I definitely want to before I’m married, despite the beliefs that I have grown up with. But when it comes to possibility of actually doing it, I cant help but feel like I am letting my parents down or at least doing something that I shouldn’t be.

And that sucks! It is my body and I should be able to do whatever I want with it and so should everyone else! But it is so hard for me to know whether or not I am making the right decision because on top of feeling like I am betraying the people who raised me, what if I regret it? I can NEVER take it back! And I think part of that worry is thanks to the social construct of virginity and the pressure there is to either lose it before a certain age and lose it with the right person or else be subjected to social disapproval.

There is the definite option for me to sleep with Isaac and part of me is all for it, just so I can see what its like and get the whole thing out of the way. But then there is the issue of birth control (something I couldnt hide from my parents or ask them to help me get) and the lack of a relationship I have with him. Is it a bad thing to want to sleep with him despite not being in love or even in a relationship? I haven’t even known him for that long! Ultimately, the choice is completely mine to make despite other influences in my life but sometimes I wish it wasn’t. Because then I bare sole responsibility for the consequences. But then again, that is part of growing up and however hard I wish for it not to happen, it will, so I’d better put on my big girl pants and get used to it.

So… I’m back!

So it’s been over a year since I last blogged but I really want to get into it as i want some record of my life out there in the world even if I am the only one who reads it. And judging by how cringy last years posts were, it might be a good idea for it to stay that way.

I am hating my studies with a passion! Psychology and Photography aren’t that bad but History is complete shit. I never wanted to take it in the first place but I got persuaded by my family because it kept my options open but I should have just trusted my instincts.

As for my ‘phobia’, I’m getting counselling for that now. As it turns out, its not actually a phobia but more of a fear which makes it easier to deal with but still sucks, especially how I still don’t understand where it stems from yet. But when I blogged about it last year, I was in a very bad place with it and didn’t ask for help as soon as I should have which didn’t help my mental condition at all. But I think I am on the rise now so thats good news at least.

My friendship group, although not redefined, has become something I am more comfortable with. I have become a lot closer with one of my friends, Victoria, which was actually an unexpected turn of events. Vic can often try and pretend to be someone she is not in front of people to seem cooler or whatever. And that often makes people dislike her because she comes across as trying too hard. But over the past year, she has been more herself around me and she is so much more observant about me and the people around her than I ever gave her credit for. I knows she truly cares about me in the little things she does like notice when I become distant and might need someone to be there for me and for that, I love her. It also makes me feel so selfish because more and more these days I’m noticing I’m becoming so caught up in my own issues that it would never occur to me to notice that she hasn’t been talking as much as usual in a group chat and check up on her (which is what she noticed about me). And that feels awful. But I’m trying to be better, for her sake.

Also, there is another guy…actually there has been a fair few since the one I mentioned last year (who was, as expected, a dick). Only one, however, has made it to the boyfriend stage and that would be Ryan. And boy, was Ryan a mistake that should never be made again! His intentions were good and he was kinda sweet when we started talking but it got weird, fast. I think it just got to a point where everything he did either annoyed me or was so cringy that I was genuinly repulsed. Not to mention he handled me breaking up with him in the worst possible way. He begged to get back together at least five times and was constantly posting weird stuff and saying how he loved me so much….I mean we were only knew each other for 4 months by that point so how could he possibly know what love felt like?

Anyway, that’s over and honestly, I’m not looking for any kind of relationship right now. A bit of fun maybe but nothing serious…I’m starting to think I am afraid of commitment but that’s not important at this point in my life so I’ll deal with that later. As for the new guy on the scene, Isaac, it’s not going to go anywhere A) because we have never met up in real life (no, he is not the creepy internet friend that your parents warned you about) and B) Like I said, I’m not looking for anything serious and thankfully neither is he. Also he is a year younger than me so that just brings the kind of immaturity that I am not prepared to handle because I can barely stand guys my own age! But he does the job of keeping me entertained and I like to think I return the favour. And we do live close so if we ever wanted to behave like mindless sex-crazed kids then the option is always avaliable to us.

That is basically it! Aside from a few boys that fizzeled out to nothing, that is the condensed version of my year so far which, when written down, seems oddly insignificant and such a typical example of first world problems that I’m not sure why I have anything to complain about!

But that won’t stop me so until next time…

 

Can ex’s be friends?

Can ex’s be friends? is a very common question that I think most people will eventually ask at some point in their life and if I am telling the truth, I wish I knew the answer.

I bring this up because I have agreed to go to the cinema with Kieran tomorrow who happens to be an ex boyfriend. And in my head, this can go one of three ways;

  1. It feels completely wrong, we have nothing to talk about and have to endure a movie whilst both of us can think of nothing else but the fact that I ended the relationship and potentially made him miserable
  2. We have a great time but it ends in one of us regaining feelings for the other only to be reminded that we have been down this road before and the ending wasn’t very pleasant which may end in even more misery
  3. We successfully overcome any awkwardness caused by our extensive history, love to movie and part ways as being good, solid friends

Personally, I am a fan of option 3 because the ending is happy, I get to enjoy a good movie and I gain a friend (which is an obvious bonus for a very anti-social person like me!).

But I can’t help but imagine all the ways that this could go wrong and that is without adding my phobia into the mix! But then again, it is human nature to evaluate all the possible if not probable outcomes that may happen if you were to take a risk, purely based on the intent to survive. However, in this case, there really is no threat to my life so I will keep you posted as events unfold!

Stay hopeful!

Update:

In my opinion, ex’s cannot be friends.

This is because, after my attempt, I think that there is too much history because through my entire outing, Kieran kept bringing up the fact that we used to date! Also, he kept making up excuses to touch me and I don’t know whether that is a sign that he wants to get back together but we had agreed that our friendship was going to be entirely platonic. And our trip certainly felt anything but platonic.

But I am making this conclusion purely based on personal experiences and it must be expected that other people have had different results but for now, I believe that once you have dated, it is really hard to be friends!

 

Fears and promises

Now that I have spent many hours solely in my bedroom, I don’t want to leave! My bedroom is safe and comfortable and I am finding myself reluctant to give it up. To anyone who doesn’t know, I have a huge phobia of throwing up which has expanded to being afraid of illness in general. And in my head, the further I am away from home, the more likely it is that I will get ill but recently I have made a promise to myself that my phobia will not control the choices that I make which is why (in 2 minutes time) I am going to Costa to have coffee with a friend.

I am a psychology student and I have studied phobias, what they are, where they come from and I understand that nearly every single person has them so I know full well that I am not alone.

Update:

Coffee was great and stress free which I guess I always knew it would be but still, I don’t control what I feel! I also did some ironing which is surprisingly relaxing so that was an unexpected bonus to my otherwise regular afternoon

Stay fearless!

To move or not to move

I have a very difficult decision to make which could cost me dearly later in life if I choose wrong; which college do I choose in order to pursue my ambition of completing my A-levels! The decision is between SJD or HCCS.

Both are valid candidates.

Both have a lot to offer in their own respects as very different colleges.

On the one hand, SJD would be a small step on the way to leaving home to go to University as it would be a completely new school and I would hardly know anyone. I would need to leave the house at 7:35am in order to get to the bus stop which then entails a 45 minute bus journey to school. Teachers seem nice however all the teachers are refered to by their first name; weird! And I hear the students can be described as sluts (that is sugar-coating it) so not my type of people to put it lightly.

HCCS is where I have been for five years. It is a 10 minute walk from home meaning I only need to leave home at 8:20am. I know nearly everyone and most know me. Its safe. Its comfortable. There will be a few new joiners (chance to re-define my friendship group, YAY!). The lessons are good and the same A-levels are offered at colleges.

To be honest, there isn’t a paramount downside to remaining at HCCS whereas SJD does have its cons.

Am I ready to leave HCCS??

Update:

I have chosen to stay at HCCS purely based on the fact that there is no down side! If I went to SJD there could potentially be negatives but by staying at HCCS, there are none so why would i do any different?!

A trip behind the gates of boredom

I finished my exams over a week ago and I am already running out of things to.

I have binged watched so many episodes of Awkward that I am starting to feel guilty about wasting time that could be spent doing more productive things like saving the world. Yes that is a little drastic but it is still two and a half weeks till we go to Tenerife (my dad, my grandma and I) and all of my friends already have plans becasue they are all packing for their holidays.

I haven’t left the house in TWO days and in those TWO days, I have done nothing with my life but sit around whilst everyone else around me makes something of theirs. Although now I am saying this, I now realise that I can’t complain becasue its my fault that I am being so lazy so if I want to “find light within my deep dark cave of despair” (my bedroom) then I would have to make it happen. And so I will.

A bloggers first

This is a very weird experience. Never blogged in my life. Not very sure what to say. So I’m just going to talk like I would to any normal person.

So there is this guy (lets face it, there always is), and he is your typical bad ass kid. Pierced ear. Smokes. Hot as. The whole lot. But he is nothing like me because I have never hooked up with anyone, ever and I go to church which says a lot about the type of person that I am. I mean I have had boyfriends in the past but nothing serious because the most that I have ever done is kiss (its sad, I know).

Anywho, sometimes this guy will talk to me and it can get flirty, not going to lie,  but he just sees me as an object because instead of wanting to get to know me, he just wants pictures and ignores me throughout the entire day!

But I am not one of those girls whose entire life revolves around guys because I am not. I am fairly happy being single but I have all of this love built up inside of me and no-one to give it to.

It’s infuriating!!