…and its mostly my fault. I just have so much that needs to be done that I just freeze and don’t do anything because my brain can’t function normally.
First problem – Driving
It is just so fucking stressful. I’m finally getting the hang of the pedals and it’s coming more naturally but I just feel this terror whenever I move the car that makes the whole ordeal really shit. I know I want to be able to drive and I want the freedom that comes with it but I can barely deal with the high levels of anxiety that come with it. I think I just hate the responsibility of it. Not only is it such a significant step as part of becoming an adult but the sheer pressure of being responsible for the people in and around the car is nearly overwhelming. I honestly don’t know how people do it, daily, and still be completely at ease behind the wheel. It completely baffles me.
Second problem – workload
I have so much shit to do and plenty of time to do it. Just not the motivation to. I know I sound and feel lazy but I just can’t get my brain or body to comply. And now it sounds like I’m trying to make a shitty excuse and yeah, I probably am. Even now, I have some coursework for photography to finish and yet here I am, typing this and internally screaming. I have left it to the last-minute to complete and I do this to myself every fucking time but I never change. I think I have actually become a living example of insanity; I repeat the same behaviour but expect different results.
Third problem Anxiety as a whole
It just sucks. And it’s actually starting to interfere with my life. Recently, I feel like I’ve been on high alert constantly and it is very emotionally and physically draining. I am literally stumbling through my own life and I just wish everything would stop happening so I could just breathe for a minute because, at the moment, I am barely keeping up. And on top of the actual feelings of fear, feelings of guilt have started to accompany it. It’s making me so selfish and oblivious to others and I hate it. I had made some plans with my mum to go and see a local performance but I was just so anxious at the time that I couldn’t bring myself to leave the house so I bailed at the last-minute. And THEN, I felt really crappy for leaving her to go by herself so it basically just added to this feeling of despair.
I am trying so hard to be like the people I read about in books. I want to be known for how strong and brave I am and, like all good characters, go against all odds and be resilient and determined until the end.. but this idea of the perfect person is probably unhealthy to compare myself to and I am just so tired of feeling like I’m not good enough. I’m not even sure why I feel like I’m not good enough and have to pretend to be someone else in order to be a better person because my parents are so supportive and I’m surrounded by people who love me. but sometimes I feel like, as cheesy as it sounds, no-one knows what the real me is like. I don’t think I even know. I know I sound like a classic misunderstood teen but sometimes it’s how I feel so maybe I am a classic cliché of a person. Who knows?